Date: Thursday 3rd December 2015: 2.00 PM Eastern Daylight Savings Time
Scene: Football Federation HQ Press Room. Assembled are the intellectual elite of the Australian football media across all formats; television, media and radio. Also in attendance are journos from the Herald Sun and Daily Telegraph. Outside the office a calm gathering of passionate football fans await details of the press conference announced by Steven Lowy and David Gallop. Said fans keep busy by sharpening their pitchforks and loading their blunderbusses. A smaller, separate group of older, sadder football fans wearing South Melbourne Hellas and Sydney Croatia shirts stand across the road, cooking Souvlakis and Cevaps on a barbecue fueled with copies of the NCIP. Now and again the second group laugh at the larger, younger fans, with a few cries of ‘Farken Anglos.!’ or ‘Serves you farken right!’ echo in the cool Sydney air. Security agents from the authorised FFA covert agency Hakunamatata try to blend into the background as they try to surreptitiously film the protesters.
At the appointed time Steven Lowy, recently installed Czar of the Football Federation of Australia, and his fellow gray haired Anglo with an equally limited connection to the round ball game, David Gallop, FFA Chief Executive, saunter into the room, beaming with confidence wrought from the contents of a couple of bottles of Xanex. Neither appears too stressed or strained, though at one point FFA communications director Kyle Patterson is asked if there was any sighting of Hektik Hektor in the building. Reassured that the man with the itchiest neck in the A-League is not on site, both Gallop and Lowy sit in their seats. The press conference is ready to begin.
FFA Faceless Lackey: “Right, David & Steven are ready. If I could please ask you to turn off your mobile phones and turn up the power on your self-delusion, we can start.”
David Gallop: “Thanks to all of you attending today. As we are all aware this has been a fractious and difficult week for the football world in Australia, going beyond the usual strife we have with trying to find a buyer for Newcastle, trying to kick out the Nix, producing yet another documentary blaming FIFA for our abysmal 2022 World Cup Bid, looking for one more reason to boast about the Socceroos winning the Asian Cup, and bashing the PFA without any specific reason. I would like to now pass the microphone over to FFA’s Il Duce himself, the one, the only, the boy who came here for a Dad’s Day at Work Excursion and for some reason has never left, Steven Lowy.
(The journalists murmur a few grumbles about not being able to ask questions first, however they decide to keep quiet as they want to see what kind of junket they could snag from Westfields at season’s end by remaining silent.)
Steven Lowy: Thanks very much David, and by the way may I say you look radiant in that grey suit, steel rimmed glasses and a very well coiffured hair cut.
(Gallop blushes and tries to blow a sneaky kiss towards the man who has allowed him to stay in a job for another 24 hours)
SL: “Now, to matters at hand. So that this news conference can be conducted efficiently, quickly and with the minimum of fuss I have both a prepared statement plus I’ve have tied Damien de Bohun to the back of a Hyundai i30 which is currently driving to Perth so that he may examine the pitch at nib Stadium. At the end of the statement I would be happen to open the floor to questions, or failing that the door to a rapid getaway followed by six years exile somewhere in North Korea.”
“Okay. As we all know approximately eleven days ago Rebecca ‘Please Blow into the Bag Miss’ Wilson helped to create this shit-storm, when she decided (undoubtedly with the assistance of certain people in the SCG Trust and NSW Police Force) to release via her turgid rag ‘The Sunday Telegraph’ the details of 198 Australians who have received ban notices from the FFA. Of course we all know that the Daily Telegraph has the editorial integrity of ‘Der Sturmer’ circa Kristallnacht 1938, and Wilson herself…a vicious, gossip-mongering fool who couldn’t write a factually based and impartial article about anything even if her life depended upon it, made certain of exposing herself and her employers to legal action which we will be starting as soon as this conference is over. We have also offered to provide legal assistance to every person cited in that scurrilous example of gutter press reporting, and whilst anyone with a criminal conviction and a ban will be unable to claim further help the FFA is considering either reducing the terms of the bans applied for matters such as swearing, entering the pitch or calling Kris Griffith Jones a useless twat, or perhaps even giving them an amnesty.”
“We have also been in contact with radio station 2GB and with Alan Jones. We have spoken to all those people who have specific information about a certain incident that happened in a London public restroom, and have advised Mr Jones, also known as The Parrot, Jonesy, or ‘The Defendant’ to either apologise for his slurs on football and our fans, or expect to see photos, statements and semen swabs supplied to Interpol, ACMA, Media Watch and some Twitter account that goes under the name @scouse_roar. And if Alan Jones wants to sue us we invite him to do so, as we have been reading up on what happened to Oscar Wilde when he took the Marquise of Queensbury to court for libel. I wonder if Alan is aware of what can happen when soap gets dropped in specific locations.”
“Regarding the Sunday Telegraph, as well as the Daily Telegraph, Herald Sun and other News Limited papers, we have decided to end our commercial relationship with them. There will be no more cross promotions, we refuse to take a red cent from them, we have banned all their reporters after this conference from speaking with anyone with anything to do with football, and will no longer allow any of their Yellow Press publications to pollute the grounds where any FFA sanctioned match is played. Words have consequences people, and when it comes to the print agencies of a company that has scant regard for facts and considers journalism now an art form designed to attract clicks, instead of balanced and articulate examinations of all relevant issues affecting our game, well that cooperative relationship has ended as of today.”
“As for the likes of Sam Newman, Neil Mitchell, Susie O’Brien and anyone else who slags off our game, supporters, or makes a snide or baseless comment about football, well we will be ensuring that from now on everything you say that has the merest whiff of xenophobia or inaccuracy will be reported to bodies such as ACMA, the Australian Human Rights Commission and any other agency that can bring calumny or punishment onto your heads. I have also instructed FFA legal team to establish a sub-committee that will look into class actions against slanderous and libelous utterances in the main stream media that draw our game into disrepute.”
“We have also decided that due to the failings of our media consultants they have all been sacked, and we are looking to start anew straight after this conference. Simon, if you want to swing by my office down the hall way in about an hour’s time I have a proposal for you.”
“The FFA board and senior management team would also like to announce that we have decided to give Andrew Jennings access to all our documents relating to the use of our security consultants Hakunamatata, the 2022 World Cup bid, the franchise licences issued to past A-League club owners Nathan Tinkler and Clive Palmer, and the minutes and associated materials that led to my election as chairman of the FFA. If Jennings finds any evidence of corruption, nepotism, favouritism or general malfeasance he will be asked to present that to an independent body consisting A-League fans which has the right to vote a no confidence motion in the FFA executive board.”
“Regarding the involvement of the fans in the political structures of the A-League, we have decided that by the beginning of the 2016/17 a representative on behalf of all A-League clubs’ supporters groups as well as from the membership of NPL and other lower tier clubs shall be brought into the Executive Committee. This will be based on a election with ballots to be held during the 2016 FFA Cup. That representative will, during their one year term of office, be allowed to both speak on behalf of the fans to the executive board and sign off on any changes to FFA policy that affect the general welfare of supporters in this country, or if his or her approval is not met the policy change proposal will fall into abeyance until after the next representative’s election.”
“With specific reference to the Sydney derby, we have decided that from now on any Sydney FC hosted games will not be played at Allianz Stadium, but moved to ANZ Stadium in Homebush. We understand that this is not going to be overwhelmingly popular, however let’s be brutally frank here. When you have a board of trustees at the SCG Trust including the bed mate of Rebecca Wilson, that right wing nut job racist Alan Jones, an ex-CEO of the Sydney Swans and a muppet involved with the Manuka Midgets, why the fuck are we providing their venues with such a huge money spinner when the Sydney FC and Western Sydney Wanderers fans congregate at Moore Park. Let’s take one of the biggest annual sporting events in this entire nation away from the pricks who profit from it, and keep it that way until they either change their membership by getting rid of a few of these arseholes, or they specifically invite a football friendly candidate onto their committee. Also, we not provide any political or financial support or influence regarding the proposals to renovate or rebuild any stadiums under the SCG Trust’s governance as long as we believe there is an agenda of opposition to our sport being followed by this body.”
“Now, as for the banning policies and procedures we have in place, and what we will be doing with immediate effect. They are as follows:
- Our security consultants Hakunamatata have been advised that our contract will not be renewed until they are willing to sign off on a document that allows all fans to review and examine any evidence they provide to the FFA which may lead to a ban order.
- No Hakunamatata security person has the right to issue on the spot bans unless if a criminal act has been committed and this has been duly dealt with by a police officer. The fan may be ejected from that ground for non-criminal matters however his ban is provisional until a hearing is held to examine all the relevant evidence. If at the time the hearing proves that the ejection and ban was illegitimately applied then costs will be passed onto our security consultants.
- No security staff member at any FFA sanctioned event can hide his or her identity as such a person. They also must wear ID markings as per normal police officers.
- There will be no more secret filming of football fans in Australia. Every football fan who wishes to review any footage taken of their bay or seating area up to one (1) year after the relevant match can pay a small fee to the FFA to have access to any general footage of their presence at said game.
- Any Hakunamatata managers at any FFA sanctioned match must consult with a club based security assistant during the game.
- All security staff used by our consultants at any FFA sanctioned match may be liable to being subpoenaed to appear in person in any tribunal or court of law that is called upon to examine any banning order, and this will be integral to any amended or future contract.
- Any clauses within the current or future contracts with the existing or alternate security consultants that may be deemed as prejudiced against the football community, or commercially enriching for the consultants will be be placed into the public domain by the FFA. These clauses can then be reviewed by any registered member of any FFA affiliated club, and if sufficient feedback necessitates the removal of said clause this will take place.
- The FFA’s jurisdiction vis-a-vis banning and any other discipline issue begins and ends with the entry gates of any Australian football stadium. Once outside those parameters any discipline issue falls under the relevant state or federal criminal or public legal frameworks in place.
- We will begin this week to meet with representatives of each club, their active supporter groups, and the relevant security, local government and police officials to discuss all these issues and any others that have not been dealt with in the previous 8 points. My personal undertaking is to have in place before the end of this current A-League season a definitive framework that restores equity, justice, football fan engagement and probity to our banning system.
“Another measure we are going to implement is a reduction in overall football registration fees, as both a sign of our appreciation of the huge, passionate and engaged core of Australian football fans and players who have every reason to feel aggrieved about how the administration has run the game this last few years. We are not perfect, far from it. As part of our desire to remedy those errors and make good on them this seems one concrete and positive step to take.”
“Now, I think that has covered all the main points we wished to raise today, although we do have probably more work to do that may expand our brief. David?”
David Gallop: “Thanks Steven. Would anyone like to ask a question of myself and Steven?”
Simon Hill: “If I may David. Steven; can you tell me what you felt, what you think about the statements made by the likes of Wilson, Jones and O’Brien, among others who are afraid of football?”
SL: “Frankly Simon their pig ignorant knobgobbling fucktards. They lie, they dissemble, they ignore their own preferred sports histories of violence and racism, among other anti-social behaviours, and it’s because deep down they are scared little narrow minded Anglo-Saxons who would rather live in White Australia circa 1913. I wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire. We should be accepting the next boat filled with Middle Eastern refugees and then putting the likes of these pricks on said vessel and sending them out into the Timor Sea. Australian society would have a double win there folks.
Ray Gatt: “Simon, what is your position on the boycotts this weekend?”
SL: “The business side of me is gutted but you know what…how fucking…oops, I forgot myself for a sec there…how good are our supporters? In the eggball codes they have their administrators run roughshod over their interests and they just bend over, part the cheeks and ask ‘Please sir, can I have some more?’ Look at cricket. James Sutherland etc decided that Perth didn’t warrant a test match last season…did anyone of those so-called cricket tragics in any other capital complain, gather in unity with the West Australian fans and use people power to remind that sport’s administrators who was their most important stakeholder? Nope; stuck their collective heads in the sand and did SFA.
David Gallop: “If I might chime in on the issue of other sports Steven, I think I have a decent insight into how the league supporting cro-magnons react. Look at what happened when Shaun Kenny Dowell was arrested and charged with domestic violence, what did Easts fans do? Yep, they got right behind their so-called ‘man’. And where was that self-righteous ignorant so-and so Wilson re this? No-fucking-where.”
SL: “To be blunt Ray, our fans are politically aware cosmopolitan modern Australians who reflect a wider range of values than either the reporters, promoters and fans of the other codes. We hate the boycotts, but we love the boycotters.”
Lucy Zelic: “David, do you think you and the FFA in general erred when Boozy Bec’s initial piece of garbage appeared in the Sunday Telegraph. Should you have been more strident, more hasty in knocking back the bullshit, correcting the lies?”
DG: “Christ Lucy, I screwed the pooch big time over that one. I’ve got no excuses, no explanations. Mea fucking culpa. Steven has already told me one more stuff up and I’m gone. Plus I feel personally gutted by my inaction. I let politics, my own lack of an affinity with football, the business of keeping the press onside interfere with defending the people who are responsible for football’s amazing growth this last decade. That’s the family who head down to Coopers Stadium every home game, proud to wear the Red. That’s the retired teacher who hands out throat lozenges for the chanting masses in the Wanderers’ RBB. That’s the little boy or girl who smiles when Ante Covic signs their soccer ball. These are the men, women and children I forgot. I’m very bloody sorry.”
Joe Gorman: “Steven, what are your thoughts re the NCIP? Should it stay in place as it is, or will you look at that as well as part of the overall rapprochement you are endeavouring to undertake with the fans?
SL: “Fair call Joe, and yes…I think it’s time we took a geek at that too. One of the reasons why the haters of football get away with bringing up the racist slurs, talking like that hulking great turd Sam Newman, is because we have given them the high ground regarding perceptions of the old ‘wogball’ days. Okay, we know it wasn’t perfect in the NSL or beforehand, however for fuck’s sake for how long do we have to keep grovelling about Croats and Serbs having a punch up in 1983? Why do we have to keep trying to telling people this is an Australian sport with an Australian history? Seriously, it does my freaking head in that some Reclaim Australia types will get on social media to say “Yeah, we’re right with ya Rebecca. We hear you AJ.”, then later that night they’ll grab a pizza or kebab for dinner. I don’t have all the answers and this is not something we can fix that easily. However perhaps it’s time to let South Melbourne reclaim the Hellas tag, let Brisbane Lions use Hollandia. At least it’s far truer as a description of these clubs’ values and community, unlike such plastic franchises in other codes like the so-called Greater Western Sydney Giants, or the Melbourne Storm.”
DG: “Look, I hate to bring a pre-emptive close to this conference, however Steve and I need to get back to our offices, cancel our holiday plans for the rest of the season, and start making some phone calls to people in the RBB, North Terrace etc to sit down with them. If you want more details or want more information about how we are going to turn this godawful mess around, one that we certainly helped happen, don’t be shy. Simon and I will be here till 1.00am and should have some opportunities for a one-on-one session.
SL: “Actually Dave we might be pulling an all-nighter. I want to call up some contacts in the Bundesliga about the fan-owned club model they have in place over there.”
DG: “Okay boss. So, thanks to all of you for coming, and in closing,” (Gallop looks straight down the barrel of the TV camera filming the conference) “Australian football fans..we fucked up, but we’re going to fix this. And (points directly at the lens) we’re going to do this with you, for you.”